I secretly call them soul whispers.
The messages are all around us
I took this picture about 5 weeks ago and at the time the message that came to my mind was...look out, here I come, stand clear and get out of my way. Forward momentum! (The picture that was in my head me as a warrior carrying my sword above my head rushing into battle.)
Well, that isn't how my last 5 weeks ago have gone.
They have, in fact, been the exact opposite. I have Fibromyalgia, diagnosed 16 years ago (wow, I hadn't done the math lately) after years of not knowing what was wrong. Learning to live with Fibro, instead of against it, has been my choice.
I say this because I could have chosen to become of victim and lived my life a certain way because I have it. But, I didn't, I chose to live with it - to pay attention to my body, to create self-care routines that help instead of hinder. I'll admit that some days are easier than others and stress plays a big part of me being able to cope with the pain.
Many things have been stressful the past couple of months and stress is a trigger to make my Fibro pain worse. My reaction was to stand clear. In some ways, I unconsciously chose to back away, a defense mechanism to stand clear. In other ways, I chose to stand clear. The bottom line is that I needed to back up, slow down.
Well, I went too far...
I withdrew, I became mechanical and put on my blinders. I focused on having to function (go to the day job, blog post on certain days, go to physical therapy, remember to eat, sleep...I need so much sleep). All of this has made me sad, intensely super sad, a deep sad that I haven't felt in almost a decade. I've had moments of joy, good times with friends, giggles with children but poor Superman has seen my sadness. He's held me, helped me, been patient and supportive - I love him to death.
By the way, I'm writing this to share where I've been. It is part of my journey. It is who I am. I believe that out of the darkness comes light and I'm done standing clear. I need to move past this. So, slowly I am turning toward the light.
Happily, my body has started to feel better during the past week, I've gotten a lot of sleep, I took myself on artist's dates both Saturday and Sunday with my camera and took some pictures in Shakespeare Garden in Central Park. I've also been reading Renee Burke's SumMEr of Me series and it has reminded me that I need to embrace where I am and take care of myself.
I believe that I have turned the corner. I have put on a different pair of glasses to let a little more light in so that I can see the world around me a little bit better.
Now I know I am back on track, I have my sword slightly raised and will work on raising it higher as I move forward into my world. Stand clear because I am making my way into battle for the life that I want.